HealthyLove – Elegant Discourse

Defeating Narcissists, Emotional Independence, Self-Care

Did I Become a Narcissist???

February 5, 2022February 5, 2022 Tara

Years of exposure to a narcissist can have far more harm than just the unsightly mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational scars left behind. Often the residual effect of narcissistic abuse is the adoption of narcissistic traits. This doesn’t define you as a narcissist, but it can very well put you on the highway of becoming a full-time narcissist if you don’t pump the brakes.

As with any toxic relationship, there are red flags that will alert you and those around you.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

How do you use “I” statements? Do you hold yourself accountable? Or do you point the finger in another direction? That may be a difficult question to answer. If you are uncomfortable asking yourself, or don’t trust yourself, listen to your friends and how they tease you. That might give you the answer.
How often are you in the spotlight? Have you caught yourself hijacking stories your friends tell because you “get it” or because you’ve been there? Do you feel as though your story isn’t taking from theirs but rather strengthening theirs? Pulling the spotlight on yourself from others is a means of keeping the attention on you. You’re not trying to take the spotlight rather; you are trying to use the emotion of the group to your benefit. It’s innocent and seemingly harmless and you don’t realize you are doing it most times.
How do you handle being interrupted? When you are telling a story, or even have a story to tell, how do you respond when your story ignites a memory for your friend, and they chime in with their experience. Do you listen and find an appropriate gap to continue your story? Or do you make it clear that you were not done telling your story? Basically, are you making sure your spotlight stays on you preventing others from stealing it? (Similar to #2 point above)

These are not exclusive signs in identifying your own narcissistic traits, but they are tale-tell signs of those traits after being fully absorbed into a person who is a narcissist. It only makes sense to assume some of those behaviors when you have spent a significant amount of time with a narcissist.

It is difficult to not follow the example you are exposed to the most. What is difficult is forgiving yourself when you know a change is necessary. Another difficulty is knowing the problem exists and thinking it will resolve itself. It does not. The metamorphosis towards narcissism can happen without intent and it can be alarming, but it is not permanent.

Becoming a narcissist doesn’t make you a bad person, so don’t go there! When you spend a great deal of time with a narcissist incorporating their behaviors is natural particularly when they have conditioned you to do so. Eventually, those techniques become an unhealthy way of protecting yourself because it’s what you have known in a relationship. This doesn’t mean you should punish yourself or put yourself down. It means you have recognized something within yourself and you, now, have the control. With that control you acquire agency. All it takes is your choice. You really can do it.

Defeating Narcissists, Emotional Independence, Helping Friends

The Addictive Traits Of The Narcissist: 3 Tips For Breaking Free

July 5, 2021 Tara

There is something about them that keeps you around. No matter the difficult times there is still something that you hold on to. What is “it?” What is that force that keeps you going back for more and more? Why can’t you just leave? Why are narcissists so damned hard to get rid of?

It is kind of creepy to think that narcissists can be so addictive.

They are inconsiderate. They are often times ruthless. They are mean. They are thoughtless. They are insensitive. They are hardly the “knight in shining armor” we thought they were in the beginning. Take off all the hardware and what you really have is the tail end of the white horse versus that stud of a rider. They are narcissists.

And yet, here we are in our restless sleep waiting for that kiss that will wake us up to our happily ever after. Waiting and waiting, and more waiting. The problem is that we are waiting for the wrong guy to make the right choice. The real problem is that we will wait until we feel as though we are trapped. We put the right faith into the wrong guy.

It’s complete shenanigans to waste so much of our time, but, it is easy to become so deeply involved with a narcissistic person that getting free seems to be more of a dream than an achievable goal. A narcissist will either exploit your co-dependent side or create one within you making you dependent upon them. This is a form of conditioning and it is key to ensuring you don’t leave once you are locked in. It makes no sense because you know, at first, it is wrong, until they gaslight you enough that you believe everything they do is normal or your fault.

It can be really difficult to break free from the narcissist.

It can be even more difficult to explain to others why breaking away from them is so hard. There’s just no explaining it. For someone to understand they have to have been there and know it takes a lot of time to become so worn down to uncover that hidden strength to leave.

In the meantime, your support system gets frustrated with your inability to see the narcissist for what he is. They stop trying to talk sense into you, which makes the desire to leave, sometimes, that much more difficult. That is, of course, if you still have friends. Most narcissists will work hard to turn you against your support system. So, if they are still around listen to them. If they have since left, maybe these tips will help you.

How do you survive a relationship with a narcissist when you’ve worn out your support system? Here are 3 Tips.

1. Trust yourself. When you feel alone trusting your gut, even when it leads you to make the most uncomfortable decisions, is going to be more right than wrong. You know yourself better even if you are not aware of it and that is why you have instincts. When you have no one to talk to you are left with yourself and if you listen closely, you will hear those instincts telling you exactly what to do. This means being honest with yourself and forgiving yourself.

2. Be okay to be alone. Freeing yourself from the narcissist may look like a road to loneliness and quite honestly, it likely will – at least, for a while. The narcissist typically only wants you to have them to focus on, rely on, and depend on. If they have succeeded then your leaving them looks like a one-way ticket to lonely-town. Being alone is not going to hurt you, though. Actually, once your support system finds out you have left your narcissist they may re-enter your life if you welcome them. Remember, to isolate you takes your cooperation even if you don’t realize it. If your support system was made up of healthy people, welcome them back.

3. Expect the panic. This might be the most difficult of all. As the unknown emerges and change begins to take place it can be easy to psych yourself out, telling yourself that you are making the wrong choice or invite the narcissist back into your life. If you expect yourself to panic, to be scared, to be afraid, to feel all the negative things you can possible imagine (including unloved) you can prepare yourself for them. By preparing for all that panic has to offer, you can recognize it as it is happening and prevent you from sabotaging your freedom. Being healthy and alone is far better that being imprisoned by a narcissist.

There comes a time when you can feel it happening. Little by little, reality chips away at your patience revealing what you are truly worth. So, don’t give up. Even when others seem to have given up on you, they really haven’t – they just don’t know how to be there for you. So keep going. You’re worth more than you are getting and the only way to get what you are worth is to get it for yourself. You can do it.

Self-Care

Health and healing

May 29, 2020April 15, 2021 Tara

Nick and I take a deeper look at how Covid-19 has changed our world and what it has given to us all.

Nick

One thing the Covid19 pandemic has taught or reminded us is the profound relationship between physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual and relational wellbeing. People across the world have barricaded themselves in (or, at times, been instructed to self-isolate – or else) to avoid the physical threat of a potentially deadly virus. The media hype that has accompanied the crisis has created an ever-more terrifying drama in which existential anxiety has turned to outright panic. ‘How can we find God in this?’, ‘Will our economies collapse?’, ‘What about my job?’, ‘Are we all going to die?’

The effects have been worst for the poorest people and communities in the world. The lockdown may have created a risk of real starvation that outweighs the risk of infection. For such people, life means hanging on by a thread. Reaching out to God is a daily, essential, way of solace, sense-making and survival. It puts our worries about empty supermarket shelves into humbling and challenging perspective. The recovery post-virus will take time, care and support. Many have faced their darkest fears and find themselves weakened, damaged and hurting. Healing at all levels will be needed soon.

Tara

Sadly, for some, the isolation posed by Covid-19 has further-darkened domestic prisons. Since the order to self-isolate, we hear of an increased number of cases of suicides, domestic violence and child abuse. Experts say the cause is a lack of access to social provision and support systems. Even access to the help of loved ones was reduced by efforts to ‘flatten the curve’. Others experienced little change to their daily activities, other than rolling out-of-bed to walk a few feet to their home office. Some didn’t have to roll out of bed at all, if they were on furlough. Amazing how an event can impact on billions in such a way that its identity can be recognized everywhere by a single name.

As the push to re-open the global economy begins, we must know that our personal experience with this pandemic is distinctive in its physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and relational impacts – yet it’s collective ashes we all must rise from. How we heal from the viral setback will depend on our own identity and locus of power. For some, healing cannot be done alone. We must be willing to help each other heal by extending a hand to those in need. We must continue to connect in ways that may feel far-fetched, or old-fashioned. If Covid-19 has given anything positive, it is a new appreciation of how we need one-another to withstand such forces and thrive, despite the pain.

Nick Wright is a psychological coach, trainer and organisation development (OD) consultant, based in the UK (www.nick-wright.com). Tara Parker is a change agent, organization development (OD) consultant and soft skills coach, based in the USA (www.elegantdiscourse.net).

Defeating Narcissists, Emotional Independence, Self-Care

How I Let Him Go Even Though I Still Loved Him

July 27, 2018April 15, 2021 Tara

How did I do it? How was I able to walk away from the man I loved so deeply and profoundly? How was I able to move on from a love I felt and embraced so much?

And there is it was – staring me right in the face. I knew it immediately but despite my knowing I still questioned it. My gut was on red alert and my heart was on the verge of sobbing. My ears were ringing. My eyes felt frozen. It was the red flag that couldn’t be denied and I denied it anyway – at least for a few more years. Ugh. (facepalm)

We seemed to have so much in common. We could talk for hours. Our pasts seemed parallel giving us an exclusive understanding of one another. We had genuine interests in each other’s hobbies. We could see through to one another. Being together we both emerged with a side from within that was buried so deep. The connection was unique. It felt rare. It redefined passion.

So, why is it I am not with him today? How could I not eternally embrace something that sounds as though it was delivered from “a land far far away”?

Well, I finally saw what everyone had been telling me – that he was not right for me.

What we had was a very passionate relationship in every romantic sense of the word that you can imagine. And yet with the positive passion came the negative passion. Both were intense at their own distinctive level. Both were scary. Both were invigorating. But also dangerous to my mental health.

I won’t go into the details of the relationship but what I will tell you is that we had little to no support from our friends and family. This is a definite sign that the relationship is not what you think it is. Sometimes, the best measurement of the health of a relationship is the level of support from those around you.

I refused to listen to those people because there was always that one person who stood out and said, “Yes! Yes, you are the one for him!” My desire to hold on to that positive passion was fed by the repetition of that one statement for two years – in my head.

So, how did I do it? How was I able to walk away from the man I loved so deeply and profoundly? How was I able to move on from a love I felt and embraced so much?

I had to recognize that what I felt was not equal to what he felt or the negative passion would not have been as strong.

Don’t be mistaken. He liked to keep me around for his pleasure and fun or his needs but when it came to what I needed? Ha. It was not only my fault he was unhappy with our situation but it was my fault if I was experiencing turmoil or trials. It was my stupidity or my bitchiness that created my situation and that wasn’t his problem.

But, he loved me. Yeah, I didn’t get it either. But, wildly enough, I believed that he loved me and I needed to stay. It took me about 25 months to finally pull the trigger and walk out of his life and back into my own.

I don’t know if was time wasted or the most influential learning experience I have ever been through. What I do know is that the experience is mine to share with you.

So, back to how to let go if you still love him. How did I put my love aside to escape my prison?

1. I kept all the text messages for reference. He used to get mad that I would retain our text conversations and refer back to them. He rarely came off looking like a nice guy (and my responses weren’t always pretty, either) and therefore he would demand I delete them or sweet-talk me into deleting them.

Once they were gone I had nothing visual to remind me who he really was. Once those texts were gone he would turn on the loving charm and then cycle back into the emotional deviant I was hooked to. I do have some of the texts to remind me of why I left when I start to miss the good times.

2. I had to push my emotional brain aside for my logical. I had to really think about his actions and how they aligned, or misaligned, with his words. I had to look at his expectations and my expectations and determine how they balanced. I had to stop deceiving me and come to terms with the reality that I was not getting anywhere with him and my life was depleting the more time I devoted to him. Once I realized that it was easier to not respond his last text message.

3. I needed something to maintain my focus. My attention had to be placed somewhere else so I could go through the process of grieving a relationship I had with a man who was mentally dangerous. I found that focus and protected it with every fiber of my being. That focus remains today as a reminder that being me is a great thing and not a result of someone else’s demands.

4. I prepared myself emotionally for the final walk. I literally stood in front of a mirror and told myself, “You will want to text him so the crying will stop. You will want to run back to him to feel normal again.” I knew the real problem for me was fighting the addiction created throughout the relationship. Maybe the uncomfortable tears of grief would stop by contacting him but they would be replaced with the comfortable tears of name-calling and emotional abuse I had been so accustomed to.

Maybe I would feel normal again by running to him but would hurt myself more by embracing that sense of “normal” versus developing myself by venturing out of my comfort zone. The funny thing about a comfort zone is that it might be comfortable but it doesn’t necessarily feel good nor is it healthy. It is just comfortable.

5. I had to be fair to myself and allow myself the time to heal and try life without him. I had to be permitted to be me again without his permission or approval. I had to give myself enough time to feel the emotions I prepped myself for. I had to give me a chance to heal even if it hurt like hell. Even if I cried myself to sleep. Even if it meant I would never be loved again. In the end, it meant I would love me and not have someone attempt to make me feel guilty for it. There is no guilt in loving me but there is guilt in knowingly hurting me via an unhealthy relationship.

So, the time has passed and here I am. I didn’t die without him like I thought I would. I didn’t spiral down into depression like he had predicted. I continued to breathe and live my life. I am free to be me and am happy being me. I have grown and continue to do so every day. Why? Because I didn’t give up on me.

Emotional Independence, Self-Care

3 Rules To Remind You Relationships Are Tougher Than They Appear On TV

June 28, 2018April 15, 2021 Tara

Relationships are a part of our identity. It could be the relationship with our friends or family, our children, our significant other or any other relationship you can point out in your life. Relationships are important in developing who we are and how we interact with others on various levels.

We learn about relationships immediately in our lives starting with those that provide our care and fulfill our needs starting with infancy. The first lesson in life is that we have needs that must be met in order to survive. As our needs change, based on growth and development, the relationships multiply and may become complex. Ideally, the needs between those within a relationship develop into a two-way street. One side of the street gives while the other takes and theoretically each party takes turns on either side of the road. This is how relationships become mutual agreements.

Think of relationships as an investment…and a return.

Healthy relationships require two people to balance the giving and taking. There is really no other way about it and it does not matter the relationship. Platonic. Romantic. Familial. Friendship. You name it they all require traffic to flow in two directions. The type of relationship will determine the role each person will fulfill – or in other words the needs that need to be met.

I would not venture to say that any single relationship is necessarily easier than another or that one is of lesser value. That is for you to decide as it makes sense in your life. The relationship centered on romantic love is likely the one that makes the most impact on your life and therefore can easily be seen as the most challenging of all relationships. But, it is fair to keep in mind sometimes we make things more difficult than they are due to where we position our focus. (Let the sink in…)

The problem with romantic love is the vision we all have of what it is supposed to be. Growing up we get this fantastical vision of what love is going to be based on what we see on the television or in the movies: “True love”. “Love of a lifetime”. “Soulmate”. “Happily ever after”. “Extreme acts of love”. There is this repetitive idea that love is riddled with exciting emotional climaxes completed with “happy ever after endings” and anything less is not considered “love.”

In the no-nonsense words of Sherman T. Potter from the sitcom M*A*S*H…

”HORSE HOCKEY!!!”

While no one really likes rules here are 3 pieces of insight to remind you why relationships are tougher than they appear on the boob-tube or the silver screen:

First rule of relationships: Don’t compare your life to what you see on television (or anyone else, really).

By using comparisons you will remain forever single or accumulate wasteful relationships due to unrealistic expectations of others. Besides, that one relationship in your life that you get to choose and is meant to last a lifetime is not going to be comparable to what you see on tv. It should be better because it will be real. It will be yours. It will be incredibly joyous. It will be incredibly painful. It will be based on the choices you and your partner make rather than a room of writers trying to score a paycheck or franchise opportunity.

Second rule of relationships: If you don’t know who you are don’t be surprised if you find someone that tells you who you are.

This is the making of an unhealthy relationship, one of abusive co-dependency. Knowing who you are, being able to identify yourself will help in keeping the bad ones away and attract the good ones. If you don’t know who you are you won’t know what you can offer another. Rest assured that there are PLENTY out there who are thrilled to tell you who you are; its called control and can create a cycle of abuse that is difficult to break free from.

Third rule of relationships: Don’t confuse being alone with loneliness.

One is a status and the other is a feeling. Being alone doesn’t mean anything other than you are single. You aren’t a loser nor are you aren’t incomplete. You are just flying solo and that is a good thing until you find the person that aligns with you, not defines you. Loneliness, on the other hand, is a side effect of a breakup. At some point, that lonely feeling hits you and it is uncomfortable. It is that uncomfy feeling that can be a driving force influencing decisions that are not in your best interests. This is the reason so many tell you to WAIT between relationships allowing you to avoid doing yourself a romantic disservice.

Relationships, specifically the romantic ones, are tough. They are tougher if you are not ready to embrace you for you and therefore have it embraced by others. Because of what we have seen over and over again, there is this misconception that our love life should be based on being “saved” by that fictional “white knight in shining armor”. Relationships are not about being saved by another. They are not about completing each other. They are about alignment between two people and how that works to compliment one another. It is not a matter of forcing it or learning how to do it. It is a matter of when you are ready to do it.

You can do it.