Category: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Open Door Policy – Do It Right

Tara

Let’s talk about “Dan” and “Tessa” – clearly these are not their real names but this is a real situation.

Dan was a member of Tessa’s team. The company they worked for was experiencing some changes and there was a need to maximize the workspace. One solution, which would be temporary, was to request the part-time employees share a workspace. To do this, the morning part-timers would use the same workstations as the afternoon part-timers. Seems reasonable for a temporary solution.

Dan had been working for the company for years and had sat in the same workspace since being hired. After a few days of sharing a workspace with a newer employee, Dan noticed the workspace was not in the same condition he left it. In fact, some of his personal effects were being moved or relocated. Dan felt a bit violated and uncomfortable and took the matter to his supervisor, Tessa. He wanted to talk about what he was experiencing and what he should do.

A little about Dan: he was not your “go-getter” type. He’s a steady employee who doesn’t like change very well but will keep up and adjust. His attitude is generally positive and he smiles to greet everyone he sees. He’s not known for drama in the workplace and enjoys offering a helping hand. He liked his position so much that when a new employee he trained was offered a promotion within a team after only a few months, Dan was happy for that co-worker.

Tessa was new to being a leader. She was a bit sarcastic lacking empathy or compassion when it came to interacting with co-workers and her team. She was solutions-oriented so she didn’t like to hear problems but solutions. She, also, held an “open door policy”.

So, when Dan shared his feeling with Tessa he was surprised by her response. Tessa asked Dan,

“Are you resigning then?”

Dan didn’t know how to respond other than he was just venting. Dan was caught off-guard by Tessa’s response.

The next morning, Dan approached Tessa to apologize and stay he thought maybe he was being a bit petty. He said he could adjust to the situation. Tessa told him that was a good thing.

As the day rolled on, Dan heard a gossipy team member talking about this ridiculous co-worker “crying” about sharing his desk. The team member revealed the story came from their supervisor, Tessa, and how was “annoyed” by this person because he was being a crybaby. Dan recognized the gossip as his situation.

Eventually, Dan heard Tessa had been laughing with her manager, a member of upper leadership, about the ‘man-baby’. Dan realized the feelings he shared in confidence with Tessa had become the running joke.

Not too long after, Dan left the company.

Tessa betrayed Dan’s trust by talking about his situation and mocking him behind his back. As a leader with an open-door policy, Tessa had provided the expectation that she could be trusted. If Tessa was going to offer an open-door policy, she should have considered the following:

  1. Being vague. Offering an open-door policy does not spell out the boundaries or set any expectations. By not drawing a line in the sand for your employees you may find that you spend a lot of time on unnecessary matters. If you are a solutions-oriented leader let your team know that before you open your door. Tell your team what your door is open for.
  2. Cross your own threshold! If you open that door to your employees you should go through it yourself! Part of leading a team and influencing their productivity is gaining their trust by showing up for them. Don’t make them come after you consistently. Go and check on your team and show them you are available to them – and be sincere about it!
  3. Don’t violate the confidence your team has in you! There should be no reason for a leader to share confidential conversations with anyone unless policy dictates otherwise. When your team finds out you defied their trust you have discredited yourself and will have opened the door to passive-aggressive mutiny.

Tessa could have saved herself some stress and turnover if she had told her team the expectations for the open-door policy. Open-door policies are not window-dressing options for leaders. They are an avenue for relationship development and maintenance within your team.

Had Tessa clarified her policy, she might have kept her position as a people leader. 

Emotional Independence, Self-Care, Uncategorized

8 Ways To Make Yourself Irresistible To Men

Tara

Being irresistible to a man is a matter of knowing yourself and loving every inch of you – inside and out.

 

There are few things that feel as incredible as that sensation of being sexy, desired…irresistible! Walking down the street receiving inappropriate cat-calls or shopping in the mall and watching heads turn…yeah, maybe we call them out as pigs but quite honestly, you know it is a pretty good feeling to be rubbernecked.

There is a lot to be said about being irresistible. Course, many women might have more to say about not being irresistible and this is where is I may be able to help. After being divorced a time…or two…I have figured out what it is about women that others find irresistible.

Let’s start from the top!

1. Confidence! Men, the secure ones who are not easily threatened, are attracted to women who have confidence. Being proud of you – flaws and flawlessness! If you don’t have a problem with you that will grab his attention and make you interesting! Men, real men, love a secure woman.

2. Positive Attitude! Guys are not into the Negative-Nancy types out there. Guys find happiness an irresistible trait. Life sucks sometimes but when you can take the rollercoaster like a champ, rather than be that “woe is me” type, you will attract the kind of partner that will want to ride that roller coaster beside you!

3. Accept Your Body! We don’t all look like Victoria’s Secret models and most men realize that there are better chances of playing for their favorite NFL team than scoring a Vic’s Secret wiry beauty. (Many guys are happy just to see a girl naked and I cannot tell you how many guys have shared this with me.) Most of the guys you know don’t have a perfectly ripped bod either – so you have nothing to worry about. Work with what ya got and you’ll wrap him up in it!

4. Be Yourself! Guys have a “bullsh*t meter” that works like a charm and he will listen to it.  If you are putting on a show he will see right through you and be disappointed.  We all enjoy a good first impression but be genuine about who you are.  You don’t have to introduce your struggles within minutes of meeting but you don’t have to hide them as though you are ashamed. There is a good place and time to share your past and you’ll know it when it shows up.

5. Check Your Emotions! Men do like to see the vulnerable side of you and they want the opportunity to provide you with that feeling of security and safety. This means it is okay to show them when you are hurting or having a hard time; just don’t milk it because you are getting his attention! There are few things sexier than an occasional damsel in distress but when you are the one putting yourself in that emotional tower repeatedly he will stop asking for you to throw down your hair,

6. Respect him! Be snarky, quick-witted, clever and witty – that is hot! BUT, don’t turn your jokes and snippy whip-its in his direction all the time!!! After a while, he will read them as you talking him down and you lose points in irresistibility. Take your shots but take them wisely and when he has earned them. It is one thing if you are keeping up with him, and the boys, but when he is the constant “big butt” of your “small” jokes you open yourself up as a similar target losing that irresistible edge.

7. Don’t Become the Ball and Chain! Give him some space to be with his buddies and expect the same in return. He is into you because you are an individual with your own interests. Don’t be the girl he complains to his buddies about rather be the girl he has to brag to his boys about. Don’t be the girl he has to babysit or be involved with every moment of every day. Space is sexy because as the saying goes, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Which leads to the final thing that will make you irresistible…

8. Play Hard To Get!!! Men are hunters. They like the chase. They like to work for their goals. They like to feel accomplished when they win you over, repeatedly. This is where the work comes into play because you have to know what works for him and what works for you. Don’t ignore him but respect yourself enough to continue to be you and leave him wanting more.

Being irresistible to him is a matter of knowing yourself and loving every inch of your body – inside and out. Healthy relationships are made of two individuals that enjoy one another – not become the other. If you feel you have to become him to gain his attention he is not into you…he is into him. Respect yourself and he will too – if he is the right one.

You can be irresistible – the moment you choose to be! Trust me, I know.

(Originally posted on divorcedmoms.com a few years ago.)
Uncategorized

Healing: The Overlooked Process

Tara

As I sit here, a recently experiencing major surgery, I realize how interesting the healing the process is and how it is overlooked.  The process I am going through reminds me how much we underestimate the time needed to completely heal before moving on to a new normal.  Think of the last time you skinned your knee and the event that caused it.  Did you pay mind to the amount of time it would take for the wound to heal?  Or did a simple bandage make everything better allowing you to continue along your merry way?  Surely the trauma from falling was minute posing no mental concern resulting in a minor injury that would heal quickly, quietly, and on its own.

That is the best experience when it comes to healing: “quickly, quietly, and on its own.” Turns out that may not be the best thing for all injuries.  Not all wounds are the result of child’s play. As emotional humans we take on different levels of injury. Some of these injuries we seek out such as a scheduled major surgery.  Some injuries are out of our control but pose no less danger to our health or life.  Other injuries we just don’t seem to know how to avoid because mentally, we’re not healthy enough to know what to look out for.  What’s worse?  We don’t know our mental health is slightly compromised because we generally look “okay” – though, deep down, we may suspect otherwise.

As I sit here at my desk, you would not know that I am injured. You would not know the injuries I have are from a scheduled surgery.  You would not know I am healing and working rather hard to do so (ouch, by the way!).  I am presenting myself as I do any other day.  One could say I have applied the bandage that makes everything “better”.  However, inside, I am sore.  I am incredibly tired.  I am incapacitated to a degree that prevents me from household chores due to my medical restrictions.  To look at me though, I look as healthy as a horse until you see my eyes.  To look at my eyes it would be easy to see something is not right.  I need help.

Upon this observation one might be tempted to ask if I am okay.  This is where I would tell you that despite the level of the procedure I had, “I am fine.”

You should take that statement with a grain of salt no matter who says it.

Some injuries are not visible to the naked eye.  Some are not visible on the body, at all.  Some traumas are such that they cause injury to the mind where healing can be the most difficult. The issue is that mental sores are not the easiest to talk about much less ask details for.  Which is why sometimes when we are uncomfortable with the trauma others have experienced, we avert our eyes to “not get involved”.   I find this interesting as most would rather look on or get involved with a physical trauma than a mental one.  I suppose it is difficult to receive the designation of “hero” if others cannot see you assess the trauma.

This is why it is important to realize the healing process, at the mental level, takes no less time than a physical one.  While the injury cannot be immediately seen nor is there obvious signs of trauma such as bandages, the injury is there all the same.  It should receive the same level of care and time as any other injury. This is not to say mental injuries, such as divorces, abuse, or failures should be milked until all parties are exhausted but there could be a level of exhaustion experienced from maneuvering yourself through the emotions you feel even if you have a guide, like a counselor, to help you.  This is what makes the healing process a learning process, as well.

Give yourself time to heal no matter the trauma or the injury.   The healing process is designed to allow yourself the space to explore the feelings (mental or physical) associated with the stress so that you can get past them.  If not, expect them to rear their ugly head repeatedly until you do.  If you don’t allow yourself to heal completely you hold yourself back postponing any opportunity to get better and be better.

What injuries were the hardest to heal from?  Are you completely healed?